Serving BDSM Clients Part 2: How Mental Health Clinicians Can Provide Better Therapy for the Kinky Community

Jan 31

This is part two of a two-part series exploring how relational counselors and therapists can become more kink-aware to better serve clients part of the BDSM communities.

In part one of Serving BDSM Clients, I made the case for why it is so important for mental health clinicians to become kink-aware. In part two, I continue that line of thought with a beginner’s guide to helping clients who are a part of these communities. Let’s start off with what kink and BDSM are.

So What is Kink and Who Practices It?

According to researchers Weinberg, Williams, and Moser, BDSM consists of five components, which are typically, but not always found together: 1) the appearance of power of one partner over the other, 2) role-playing, 3) the consensual agreement to enter into the interaction, 4) play occuring in a sexual context, and 5) a shared understanding that the activities constitute BDSM.

Bondage and discipline involve using psychological or physical restraints. Domination and submission involve the exchange of power and control. Sadism and masochism involve taking pleasure in one’s own or another’s pain and humiliation. Kink can also include fetishism – or a strong interest in or preference for certain activities, tools, fabrics, or clothing.

BDSM may take place as part of a ‘scene’ (the boundaries of the role-play) or as part of a 24/7 lifestyle. Scenes can happen at home, at play parties, in swingers’ clubs, in dungeons, or at other venues where public sexual play is allowed. A use of a safe word – a word or phrase indicating all play should stop immediately – during a scene ensures the physical and emotional safety of both players. Individuals do not play when angry or otherwise unable to maintain boundaries or assess risk.

Nichols and researchers Dunkley and Brotto also found that BDSM communities – networks of advocacy and support groups, venues, activities and events – promote positive outcomes for BDSM practitioners. Kinky communities can provide a sense of belonging. They provide opportunities to socialize and meet both sexual, romantic, and platonic partners. And communities tend to be more accepting of other forms of marginalization.

According to at least one study, relationship satisfaction in couples is high. One explanation may be that kink involves and increases relational bonding and shared stress relief. The practice of BDSM also has been found by its practitioners to have therapeutic benefits. Some people experience spiritual elements and have identified a state of transcendence achieved through kinky practices.

BDSM practitioners who seek therapy have been found to generally have higher levels of self-awareness; better than average communication skills – especially when it comes to communicating needs, desires, and boundaries; better imaginations; and are capable of undergoing insightful reflection. They are also less neurotic, more extroverted, less sensitive to rejection, more securely attached, more open to new experiences, and more conscientious individuals.

Why Kinky People May Come to Therapy

Many BDSM practitioners will come to counseling for common, unrelated issues, such as depression, anxiety, everyday relational issues with an intimate partner, family of origin issues, etc. This is where the kink-knowledgeable counseling comes into play. That said, there are also many BDSM issues that kink-aware counselors may come across, and this is where kink-focused therapy comes in. One of the most common issues a relational counselor may come across is that of the “newbie” to the kink community. These are clients who are just coming out or who are just now exploring their desires of BDSM play. The client may have a good deal of internalized shame, fear, and self-hatred about their sexual preferences. The client may need help verbalizing their desires to an intimate partner or partners. Or the client may simply be wanting some psychoeducation around BDSM practices. In these cases it is imperative that the counselor provides acceptance and models a positive attitude about kink. The kink-aware therapist must also be knowledgeable about resources for their clients.

Below are some other reasons a kinky client may see a relational counselor:

Infidelity
Mixed-orientation relationships, where one partner has the desire to explore or fully identifies as kinky and another does not identify that way
Consensual nonmonogamy
Fear of exposure (kink practitioners have no protection in areas of employment, housing, or child welfare systems)
“bleed-through,” where the roles and boundaries in the bedroom and the roles in the rest of the relationship begin to blur in an unwanted fashion or when relationship issues and sexual issues merge

Most importantly, relational counselors need to be able to recognize when abuse is happening within the context of a kinky relationship. Abuse can go beyond violations of physical and sexual boundaries and involve partner manipulation – both financial and psychological. The kink-aware therapist will be able to determine the presence of fear vs. safety in the BDSM relationship and whether the use of a safe word and the ability to rescind consent at any time is part of play. They will also be able to determine whether the exchange of power in the relationship is consensual or forced. In a healthy kink relationship, BDSM practitioners have a respect for each other despite power dynamics, and negotiation and communication are emphasized.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Kink-Aware Therapy

To recap, here are two short lists of the do’s and don’ts of kink-aware therapy:

The Don’ts

Rely solely on the client to educate you about the kink culture and bdsm practices
Require a client to give up kink in order to continue treatment
Assume all issues are caused by or related to BDSM practices
Confuse BDSM with abuse
Try to cure kinky desires

The Do’s

Manage our own responses to kink and deal with countertransference
Continue to inform yourself about the BDSM community and practices
Adopt a non-pathologizing approach
Remain alert to possibilities of abuse within BDSM play
Have knowledge of local and national kink community organizations and resources

Know about the core set of values of BDSM communities
Have the skills to distinguish between the need for kink-knowledgeable therapy and kink-focused therapy

Show comfort in talking about BDSM issues
Have intake forms and marketing material that reflect awareness of kink
Treat BDSM as part of the normal spectrum of humans sexuality

Now you have a basic understanding of working with clients who are part of the BDSM and kink communities. Please see below for more resources to continue your learning jouney of understanding.

Resources for Understanding and Working with Kinky Clients

Books

Easton, D. & Liszt, C. A. (2000). When someone you love is kinky. Emeryville, CA: Greenery Press.
Easton, D. & Hardy, J. (2001). The new bottoming book. Gardena, CA: Greenery Press.
Easton, D. & Hardy, J. (2003). The new topping book. Gardena, CA: Greenery Press.
Harrington, L. & Williams, M. (2012). Playing well with others. Gardena, CA: Greenery Press.
Kleinplatz, P. & Moser, C. (eds.) (2006). Sadomasochism: Powerful pleasures. Birmingham, NY: Harrington Park Press.
Landridge, D. & Barker, M. (Eds.) (2013). Safe, sane, and consensual - contemporary perspectives on sadomasochism. London: Palgrave Macmillan.
Masters, P. (2008). This curious human phenomenon: An exploration of some uncommonly explored aspects of BDSM. Las Vegas, NV: The Nazca Plains Corporation.
Newmahr, S. (2011) Playing on the edge: Sadomasochism, risk and intimacy. Bloomington: Indiana University Press.
Ortmann, D. M. & Sprott, R.A. (2013). Sexual outsiders: Understanding BDSM sexualities and communities. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.
Taormino, T. (2012). The ultimate guide to kink: BDSM, role play and the erotic edge. Berkeley, CA: Cleis Press.
Weiss, M. (2011) Techniques of pleasure: BDSM and the circuits of pleasure. Durham, NC: Duke University Press.
Wiseman, J. (1996). SM 101: A realistic introduction. Gardena, CA: Greenery Press.