Part Two: Let’s Learn About Domestic Violence in Queer and Trans Communities
Content warning: This three-part series discusses aspects of abuse that may be hard to read through. Please step away and take care of yourself if this information is upsetting you. If you are experiencing domestic violence please see the end of this blog post for how to get help.
At the bginning of October, also known as Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I provided an introductory look at domestic violence, power and control dynamics, and the cycle of abuse. We talked about stigma against people who are surviving, or have survived abuse. (Read part one here.)
In queer relationships, the hidden aspects of domestic violence are tenfold that of violence in heterosexual relationships. Queer folx have more trouble finding help escaping from domestic violence or keeping themselves safe if they are continuously experiencing it. This especially includes queer folx with marginalized gender identities. Our community has a hard time acknowledging that it happens within, and is not just perpetrated as hate crimes against us. Acknowledging that queer domestic violence exists also breaks some of the stereotypes that queer folx have close, sexy, passionate, “u-haul” relationships without any problems – a relationship fantasy that is put on a pedestal by allied straights and queers alike.
Domestic violence can also feel unsafe to talk about with people outside our communities. The information that domestic violence can happen in queer relationships has been and may continue to be used against us by people who use dangerous homomisia and transmisia rhetoric, those who are writing anti-queer and anti-trans legislation, and those who don’t think we should exist.
How Power and Control Shows Up in Queer Relationships
In my work with queer survivors, I use the Power and Control Wheel below. We look over what aspects of abuse show up in their relationship. Some might be present, some might not. Sometimes, all of the red flags are evident when we begin to talk about it.
The wheel validates that queer and trans people who are living with domestic violence are at risk of experiencing unique queer- and trans-specific emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse. Below are some red flags I’d like to highlight.
They may tell the survivor that they are not a “real” lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, gay, trans, masc, nonbinary, and/or trans person.
They may try to isolate the survivor by manipulating them to think no one will believe that they are being abused because they are queer, or they are the masc-presenting person in the relationship.
They may say that queer people can’t abuse queer people, or that since both people in the relationship are queer it’s mutual abuse. They may even accuse the survivor of abusing them.
If there are children in the picture, they may threaten to take the children away from the survivor because they are not the “real” parent and didn’t birth the child or contribute biologically.
They might use their privilege and ability to “pass” to discredit the the survivor or put the survivor in danger,
They may cut off or deny the survivor access to much-needed resources like hormones and other medical care.
They may try to use other biased systems against the survivor, like the court system or law enforcement.
They may threaten to “out” the survivor and put them in danger in the workplace, community, or with family and friends – especially if the survivor isn’t ready to be visibly queer yet.
These highlighted red flags are nuanced, and may be easy to miss when you are in the thick of the relationship. It is not your fault if you are experiencing these and haven’t noticed them before. It is also okay to recognize these are going on in your relationship(s) and not be ready to leave.
Societal stigma exists around survivors of abuse who are not ready to leave their relationships yet. I want to validate for those of you who may be experiencing abuse that you are allowed to leave on your own timeline or choose not to leave. Your safety, and the safety of any children or pets you may have, is paramount. Sometimes, a person is in a situation where it is safer to stay in the relationship for financial security, food security, housing security, etc. Whether you are ready to leave or not, only you get to make that decision. It is important if you choose to leave, that you get professional help from a specialized therapist or advocate to create a safe and detailed plan to leave.
Getting Help and Safety Planning
If you feel unsafe in a relationship or if you are questioning whether you, a friend, or a family member might be experiencing domestic violence, please reach out for help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers safety planning through texting, online chat, or phone calls. The site also has a section where you can look up your local domestic violence resource centers or shelters.
Read more in parts one and three for a primer on domestic violence (part one) and what mental health professionals can do to help people who are surviving/have survived abuse (part three).
