Part One: October Is Domestic Violence Awareness Month – What It Is and How You Can Recognize the Signs
Content warning: This three-part series discusses aspects of abuse that may be hard to read through. Please step away and take care of yourself if this information is upsetting you. If you are experiencing domestic violence please see the end of this blog post for how to get help.
Societal stigma shows us that domestic violence, also known as domestic violence, is largely thought of as a discussion best left behind closed doors. Survivors of domestic violence are stigmatized for speaking out, asking for help, and even for the opposite – holding their silence and not speaking out. Domestic Violence Awareness Month is a way to decrease stigma so that people who may not know how to reach out for help know the signs of abuse.
Domestic violence can encompass many different types of abuse and violence, not just physical. Through the next three blog posts, let’s demystify domestic violence in our community and help those who have experienced it in the past, or may be experiencing it now. My hope is that they are able to find reassurance that help is out there, healing is possible, and that they are not alone.
What is NOT domestic violence?
Domestic violence may often be mistaken for uncontained passion, unleashed emotion, or intense love. Often, a partner’s intense and volatile behaviors are actually red flags that they are using abuse against their other partner(s). A big myth surrounding abuse is that only people with a mental illness or substance use problems are the perpetrators of abuse. While it is true that these issues can exacerbate or increase the types of abuse happening, they are not the underlying reason for the abuse.
What IS Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is a pattern of behaviors that, on their own, might just be red flags, but put all together are a way for someone using abuse to control and have power over their partner(s). Identifying a person who uses abuse is about looking for the recurring patterns of this power and control (shown in the image above). People who use abuse often trick or try to fool their partner(s) into thinking their behaviors are their partner(s) fault, and that if the partner were “better”, the abuse would not be happening.
The Domestic Violence Cycle
The patterns of behaviors we designate as abuse don’t tend to happen randomly, even though it may seem like it sometimes. Abuse often shows up as a cycle – it involves hurtful behaviors and seemingly loving behaviors. In abusive relationships there are three main parts to the cycle, and they don’t always show up in order. The length of time of each of these stages of abuse varies, and one stage of the cycle can last for a few hours or for years. As the above diagram shows, people who use abuse typically show similar patterns and behaviors within a cycle.
With every part of the abuse cycle, the person using the abuse uses certain behaviors, but the partner(s) who are receiving the abuse also have a pattern of behaviors. People surviving abuse react to the abusive behaviors in each step of the cycle to protect themselves and keep themselves as safe as possible in the relationship. These defensive behaviors may be conscious or subconscious, but are ultimately protective measures.
In these types of abuse cycles, safety is the most important goal. Some people are stigmatized or told if they were really being abused then they would have left already. Leaving an abusive relationship is not that simple. In fact, survivors of abuse take on average seven times to leave a relationship before they are safely able to do so for good. Sometimes, staying is the safest option – especially if finances, living situation, food security, healthcare, and important U.S. documentation are all controlled by the person using the abuse.
Leaving an abusive relationship can be one of the most dangerous parts of breaking the abuse cycle. When a survivor decides to leave an abusive relationship, planning how to do so as safely as possible is an important first step. Leaving the relationship can be deadly for children and adults. Seventy-five percent or domestic abuse homicides occur when a partner and/or their children have tried to leave an abusive relationship and violence may even escalate drastically during that time.
Getting Help and Safety Planning
If you feel unsafe in a relationship or if you are questioning whether you, a friend, or a family member might be experiencing domestic violence, please reach out for help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers safety planning through texting, online chat, or phone calls. The site also has a section where you can look up your local domestic violence resource centers or shelters.
Read more in parts two and three about abuse in LGBTQIA+ relationships and what mental health professionals can do to help people who are surviving or have survived abuse.
